‘C’ Is For Confidence….

Confidence. I actually struggled a little bit to choose a word for this letter. I was going to do something more sexual, but then I guess I realized that a lot of confidence goes into having sex. You’re actually pretty vulnerable when you’re having sex with someone, whether it’s serious and loving or random and dirty. You’re letting someone see you in a way that not every person in the world gets to see you. Unless maybe you’re busier than me…. 🙂

amy schumer dancing GIF
This is really not that far off what I actually look like. Thanks for being everyone’s hero, Amy Schumer. If only I really was as confident as her!

Now, I don’t have very much confidence to be honest. There are those rare moments where somehow its spiked by adrenaline or who knows what and I am incredibly confident with myself and my body. Those moments are great, and I strive to have more of them by doing things just for myself to make me feel good.

I think that confidence plays a huge role in why I identify more with a submissive personality. From the articles and blog posts I’ve read, many subs out there have lower self-confidence and self-esteem. That’s definitely accurate about me. I know that he probably gets pretty annoyed with me and my lack of confidence most of the time. Even if he doesn’t believe it, he’s a huge source of strength for me when it comes to confidence. When he says “Good morning, sexy!”, I feel like I’m on top of the world. When I know he’s turned on around me or talking to me or he even does something small like getting a tea for me it feels good because he’s reminding me that I’m worth something. I’m worth remembering.

Just last night/this morning we talked a little about how he still chats with others. He says I’m the only one he meets, which makes me feel better about that part. I told him today that I would like it if he didn’t anymore. I try to always share what I’m feeling and that takes confidence to do!! It hard to tell someone when you’re hurt or they made you sad or that something is wrong. I believe he would try for me. To be completely honest, he hasn’t seen that message yet, so who knows what he’ll actually say. I could open our chat window to something I don’t want to see. So until then, I’m just not going to even check for a message for awhile because until I get a response and actually read it, I can continue to have hope for something good.

One in a million….

I also found this blog post I really liked that summed a lot of what I was feeling so if you feel like glancing at it just click here and let me know what you think if you found it interesting!

Anyways, thanks for anyone reading along!! You’re probably proud I’ve been keeping up so far with the alphabet! 😉 And please keep this in mind, as I will try to do the same:

Because you are!!

Mmmm, hi!

So….

Hi! I recently saw him for a very short breakfast. We actually haven’t been getting together as much as we did for awhile there, which is sad, but a necessary evil. I suppose that’s what I get for falling for a sexy, busy man with responsibilities…😉

Anyways, it was amazing in a way seeing him for less than an hour and just only talking. For some reason it really hit me hard that maybe he really does like me for more than just my slutty, submissive side. That’s part of what’s interesting about learning how this works. For both of us, it’s impossible to stay in those roles the whole time because when we started talking it wasn’t this….planned out thing. It all just sort of happened. I don’t know what that might mean but I know I’m happy and wouldn’t change a thing. Even kissing him for a few seconds before he had to go just melted me. I am completely taken by him still. We haven’t even known each other for a year, but there really is something special about him, no matter what he thinks. I would do just about anything for him.

It will be interesting though in the next month though. His situation will change dramatically regarding scheduling, so I’m not sure how that’s going to work. My job is also getting ready to change as well and I’ll be working from home. Hopefully that will go well!! I have an idea that I think will be fun for this blog and would like to start that very soon, so stay tuned for that!! 😊

Side note before I have to go: I saw Endgame today. Someone should’ve told me that even though I know how it ended, that I would still leave the theater a hot mess of tears and snot.

Slow Day . . .

It’s a slow day here at work today. I haven’t actually heard from my Master in just about 24 hours now. It’s sick how I keep track of that. Anyways…

3ish hours later…

So I started writing this blog at work, but then out of nowhere it got very busy. However, during my long and boring day, I had time to get lost on my phone. I found some good memes, funny videos I could watch without sound, but then somehow I wound up on reddit and came across this post in a subreddit I sort of follow:

I thought this was actually kind of cute and sexy….maybe a nice way to leave some pink temporary marks on someone and then tear off a piece for them to eat, maybe while tied up even. 😊 I thought it was cute and sexy anyways!

This subreddit for BDSM is actually quite interesting. There’s lots to see from people as far as what their routines are, rules they set, personal photos of markings or collars. So much to explore! This is actually where we first started looking at collars and ultimately found the one he gave to me.

I also found this post about candle wax where a user shared a personal photo that looked interesting:

This is something we’ve talked about trying before also. There will hopefully be a time for everything to be tried!!

Doing this research can be fun and exciting in and of itself! When I first found this subreddit, I scoured it for a good while and sent my Master things I liked. It was very exciting for both of us and I know he loves trying new things with me! 😊

Is there anything anyone out there has ever wanted to try or tried the above things and want to share? 😊 I would love to hear!

Sweet Snowy Day ❄️

Today was a snowy day here where I’m at and it was a wonderful one. I had some time with my Master this morning and, as usual, it was amazing. I grabbed some breakfast for us on the way to his house where we laid around all morning, playing with the dog and me giving him a massage. It was nice just to spend some time with him. 🙂

I’m always just slightly torn on days like these. It is beyond wonderful that we can enjoy each other’s company without always having to have sex. It makes me feel as though our relationship isn’t just one dimensional and we can be/are connected on other levels. However, I always want to feel like I’m making the most of our time together because it is a little limited. I would’ve loved to have fucked him today. Especially after that teasing stunt he pulled on me the other day by not letting me suck his cock…he knows how mean that was. 🙂

After I left his snowy home and made it back to my own, I couldn’t help but to smile and reflect back on our time together. My only regret being that he didn’t take me by the hand and lead me to his spare bedroom in the basement where we sometimes play…

He actually will be getting back to work here next week. Kind of excited for that in one sense because I will be seeing him a little bit there. It will be interesting and exciting to pretend not to know him and to have to maintain a professional relationship with him in that setting. 🙂 More on that later!

I hope you all had as good of a day as I did! 🙂

Xoxo

What are your personality traits?

What a hard question to answer! Am I the only one who feels like my traits actually kind of shift slightly depending on the setting/situation/people I’m with? I think its kind of like no one really knows yourself like you do. I act the same generally around everyone I know, but there are things that I change ever so slightly when I’m around different people. I have an insanely dirty mouth and swear constantly, but I refuse to say swear words around my parents or strangers (for the most part). It just feels wrong. However, those I’m closest to probably think I’m part sailor because of my mouth. I’m a quite agreeable person; I am not fond of confrontation, but will stand up for myself every now and again when I feel like I can’t put up with it anymore. It’s almost like having a jar full of moments that I put up with other people’s shit and when it gets full, I have to dump some of it out.

Related image

I think I would be safe to say that generally speaking, most people are this way. Some people are just rude no matter what and some people just can’t say a bad word about anyone no matter what the circumstances are. Those people can be tough to be around for me sometimes though because I definitely do more than my fair share of judging others for anything and everything. Sometimes I know I have to censor myself around certain friends because they won’t appreciate my comments, but I have other friends who will sit there and laugh like a hyena with me about someone we are poking fun at.

In doing some research online, I found this article that was an interesting read. It basically goes over personality traits that are commonly found between doms and subs. I think the findings seemed to line up with what I thought they would before I actually started reading the article.

Additionally, participants who preferred the dominant role tended to be lower in agreeableness and neuroticism compared to submissive participants and to the general population, while, submissives tended to be more extraverted than the general population. Additionally, dominants tended to have higher subjective well-being and were less sensitive to rejection compared to the general population, suggesting that people drawn to the dominant role may be particularly psychologically well adjusted.

The above direct quote makes sense to me. However, in my personal experience so far in my relationship with my Master, this doesn’t prove to be exactly true. He is not what I call ‘low in agreeableness’. I know we don’t take on our dom and sub roles constantly in our relationship, but even when we are in those roles he still seems fairly agreeable to me. Maybe its just because I want what he wants, and not just because I’m his submissive slut, but because I truly want the same things that he does. Who knows? Still learning over here. 🙂

Image result for bdsm meme

I also feel like we are both fairly well adjusted psychologically. We both lead ‘normal’ lives, his probably slightly more normal than mine. I definitely have those other submissive traits that I don’t think he has as much: the anxiety, neuroticism, sensitivity to rejection, etc. Perhaps he does have these things and I just don’t know. Maybe that will be a conversation we will have and I can revisit this topic. 🙂 I love learning more about him and his thoughts on anything and everything!

I also found this to be interesting:

Those drawn to the dominant role appear to be self-confident, assertive, and comfortable taking control. Those who are drawn to the submissive role appear to be more introverted and emotional, and enjoy surrendering control. Dominants seem to have a better opinion of themselves and to be more satisfied with their lives compared to submissives, which might be accounted for due to greater extraversion. People of both orientations are open to new experiences and are probably self-disciplined and appreciate structure and rules. Hence, it would seem that people drawn to BDSM choose roles that fit their personalities to a certain extent…

It more or less says that same thing as the quote I shared first, but it is still great food for thought. I do feel like he and I are drawn to each other. At the very least, I know I am strongly drawn to him, both for sexual and intellectual reasons. I think every relationship strives to have that ultimate mix of rough and sweet, fun and serious in all aspects. That balance would be hard to preserve, but I believe with the right communication, openness to try new experiences and complete honesty, it can be achieved. I’m only left to wonder if he and I were in different circumstances, would we be in a strong and completely exclusive relationship? Based on the evidence and experience I currently have in *this* moment, I would say yes. In another universe, in another lifetime, I will forever be his and he would be mine. But in this lifetime and in this reality, I’m just happy he graces me with his presence and we can navigate this together! 🙂

And just like that…

…another day has come and gone with him! It was wonderful to see him today. I got him for about four and a half hours today, for which I’m very grateful!

We made it back to his house together and sat around in the living room playing with the dog for awhile before slipping down to the basement. It was very nice just sitting there with him, enjoying the company each of us has to offer. 🙂

Once we made it to the basement though, we had our clothes off and were in bed fairly quickly. But we were able to take our time in bed together, which was amazing. Feeling his tongue on mine, his hand slapping my ass and my arms around him was perfect. He helped me to cum first, giving me permission, rubbing my clit while I moved my hips against his hand. Very quickly I could feel my legs beginning to shake and I came hard for him. We laid there kissing and holding each other and it was incredible…I can never get enough of him. His cock was so hard and he had me flip over on my knees with my ass up so he could give me a more proper spanking. I love feeling and hearing it when he does…after that I had to pull down the covers and take him in my mouth. I love feeling his cock glide down my throat, my tongue moving against him, my lips wrapped around him, hearing him moan softly when I take him deep in my throat…it turns me on like crazy. Not long after I started sucking him, he pulled on my legs to rearrange me so my pussy was right in his face. Feeling his tongue on me drove me wild and all I wanted was to make him cum like he did for me. I loved moving my lips and tongue faster on him until I could hear him moan and pant a little and then feeling him shoot all his cum in my mouth…it was very sexy and fun and intimate!

Then we just laid there, talking and laughing and kissing for the next couple hours. I love getting time with him to just talk. He’s wonderful to talk to and a great conversationalist. He’s funny and smart and quick witted. Even writing this now I can’t help but to smile thinking about him laying there with me, both of us laughing at something silly. 🙂

I saw this awhile ago on Tumblr and had saved it, before I even met him I think. But going back through saved posts earlier today from boredom, this describes him quite well for me. While we are dangerous for each other, I believe this risk is worth the reward, as I think he does too. I’m finding out a lot about myself through this relationship we have. I never anticipated anything like this happening and sometimes I think my feelings are too much, but I can’t help it.

Most of the time I’m too busy thinking about the future: what’s going to happen, what could happen, what I want to happen. Or I’m dwelling on the past, feeling the low from the high I just had, wondering why it had to end. But today felt a little different for some reason. I still have the same sad feeling I always do when he and I part ways, but today it was less so. And even talking to him today about what our summer will look like when we won’t be able to see each other as much was sad, but still made me feel better because it means there is a future of some sort. Or the thought of one at least. So I’ll end here, on a somewhat happy note. All I have in my head now is the closing monologue that Kevin Spacey gives in American Beauty as Lester Burnham. I’ll save that for another day, but this closing gif will do.

Xoxo

Is it Tuesday yet??

So tomorrow is the first time I’ll be seeing my Master since just after Christmas (hopefully anyway!) and I can’t wait!

It’s a tough choice because I want Him to immediately take me into bed to spank, choke and fuck me hard until we both cum. But I also just want to hug and kiss Him and hear about how life has been going for Him while getting lost in His eyes. I’m not sure where we’re meeting just yet because of some recent changes in His household, but I really don’t care where we meet. Just thinking about Him right now gives me butterflies and gets me incredibly excited and turned on…

I came across this quote earlier and liked it very much:

His face immediately comes to mind. Feeling His hand tightly on my neck while He kisses my cheek softly before slapping it turns me on like crazy. Staring into His eyes and seeing this almost lustful smirk because He knows how much we both want this. I have very little willpower when it comes to Him. I just can’t help it!! Not that I’ve ever really tried, I suppose…Nor do I think I want to! I enjoy the power He has over me. I don’t know if He truly knows what He does to me in so many ways.

So after seeing that quote, I went on a little Google search and came across a site that had a few more that I liked, including this one (probably because that is what I googled lol):

This crosses my mind almost every time He tells me to do something when we’re in bed. I almost want to defy Him just so he has a ‘reason’ to punish me because I know that’s what we both really want. But it’s so hard to do that when I already want to do what he tells me. Maybe that’s just because I’m a dirty slut…who can say for sure? 🙂

Click here to see the rest of them if you feel so inclined. 🙂 I liked all of them for one reason or another, but these stuck out to me today.

I wish anyone reading this sexy thoughts. Hopefully you’ll all be as lucky as I will be tomorrow… 😉

Did you know I’m utterly insane?

Okay, maybe not really. But that is one of my favorite lines from American Psycho, which I watched today. I still haven’t managed to read the book yet, which I’ve heard is better of course. Another quote I enjoy is:

There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.

The opening scene always reminded me of the opening for Mommie Dearest where we watch Joan Crawford’s extensive and grueling morning routine. Both of these are opening scenes which I very much enjoy. One difference is the narration that Patrick Bateman gives us; he lets the audience get just under the surface of his thoughts.

I feel like this is how we all are. People have the idea of what we are, what we portray ourselves as. When I walk into the grocery store or around the mall, people don’t know that I have both a fiancé and a boyfriend. They can’t tell that I love to be bent over, slapped and fucked by my Master. Or how I love when he chokes me and pulls on my hair. They see the ‘me’ that I want them to see: a decent, respectable woman wearing mostly modest clothing. They don’t see the remote vibrator I have on in my panties that my Master is controlling. What would they think if they did know? Would they say something if they knew? Would they be jealous or disgusted or perhaps sexually excited and ready to get home to their own partner to play? It’s hard to say…

People like to say they’re open, but when push comes to shove, I don’t think most are. When I talk to my friends about sex, which is rare because most of them are too uptight about that kind of thing, a simple blow job is risqué. I could only imagine what they would think or say if I told them what I was doing in bed with Him every time we had sex. There might be a few friends that would be a little less close with me…

I think I like this movie so much because even though Patrick Bateman’s secret is that he is a cold blooded killer, the secret could be anything really. We all smile and nod at others and when someone asks how we are, we say “I’m fine” or “Doing alright”, but there are times when I’d like to say “Honestly, I’m doing terrible. I’m so horny and can’t wait to be fucked by my Master again. See this collar he bought for me? I touch it quite often throughout the day and think of him. In many ways.” But I can’t say that out loud, so I won’t. Instead I’ll come here and vent to myself or whoever else ends up reading this. 🙂

My parting gift to you:

Can’t tell if that gif will play or not, but he sure does look happy. 😉

Farewell, readers!

Tied up in decisions…

So recently I’ve been slightly obsessed with the idea of being tied up. My Master and I have discussed it and are both interested in doing this. Being that I’m fairly new to this and needing to be discreet about it (there should be little evidence left on my person), I’ve been doing a lot of research. I’m leaning towards these that I found online:

Very basic and cheap. Satin material to hopefully have a lower risk of leaving marks. I haven’t made the purchase yet as I want to be sure I’m making a good decision. There are a couple of these sashes in a pack when ordered, so there can be a couple used as restraints and one as a blindfold possibly, which I like.

I’m mostly curious to anyone that is reading this: have you experimented with different restraints? What material were they made of? How long did you have them on for? In what position were you restrained in? I’m thinking that starting off with something more comfortable would be the best way to go and then work our way up from there. I’ve been blindfolded before and tied up a couple times, but never for any real length of time, nor with anything I couldn’t get out of. The trust is there that if I needed to be free for a safety or comfort reason, of course He would oblige. Once this purchase has been made and we have had a chance to play, I’ll certainly be reporting back!

Please don’t be shy! If you happen to stop by on this post, let me know your thoughts and/or experiences with this! 🙂