Tag: bdsm

Is it Tuesday yet??

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So tomorrow is the first time I’ll be seeing my Master since just after Christmas (hopefully anyway!) and I can’t wait!

It’s a tough choice because I want Him to immediately take me into bed to spank, choke and fuck me hard until we both cum. But I also just want to hug and kiss Him and hear about how life has been going for Him while getting lost in His eyes. I’m not sure where we’re meeting just yet because of some recent changes in His household, but I really don’t care where we meet. Just thinking about Him right now gives me butterflies and gets me incredibly excited and turned on…

I came across this quote earlier and liked it very much:

His face immediately comes to mind. Feeling His hand tightly on my neck while He kisses my cheek softly before slapping it turns me on like crazy. Staring into His eyes and seeing this almost lustful smirk because He knows how much we both want this. I have very little willpower when it comes to Him. I just can’t help it!! Not that I’ve ever really tried, I suppose…Nor do I think I want to! I enjoy the power He has over me. I don’t know if He truly knows what He does to me in so many ways.

So after seeing that quote, I went on a little Google search and came across a site that had a few more that I liked, including this one (probably because that is what I googled lol):

This crosses my mind almost every time He tells me to do something when we’re in bed. I almost want to defy Him just so he has a ‘reason’ to punish me because I know that’s what we both really want. But it’s so hard to do that when I already want to do what he tells me. Maybe that’s just because I’m a dirty slut…who can say for sure? 🙂

Click here to see the rest of them if you feel so inclined. 🙂 I liked all of them for one reason or another, but these stuck out to me today.

I wish anyone reading this sexy thoughts. Hopefully you’ll all be as lucky as I will be tomorrow… 😉

Did you know I’m utterly insane?

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Okay, maybe not really. But that is one of my favorite lines from American Psycho, which I watched today. I still haven’t managed to read the book yet, which I’ve heard is better of course. Another quote I enjoy is:

There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.

The opening scene always reminded me of the opening for Mommie Dearest where we watch Joan Crawford’s extensive and grueling morning routine. Both of these are opening scenes which I very much enjoy. One difference is the narration that Patrick Bateman gives us; he lets the audience get just under the surface of his thoughts.

I feel like this is how we all are. People have the idea of what we are, what we portray ourselves as. When I walk into the grocery store or around the mall, people don’t know that I have both a fiancé and a boyfriend. They can’t tell that I love to be bent over, slapped and fucked by my Master. Or how I love when he chokes me and pulls on my hair. They see the ‘me’ that I want them to see: a decent, respectable woman wearing mostly modest clothing. They don’t see the remote vibrator I have on in my panties that my Master is controlling. What would they think if they did know? Would they say something if they knew? Would they be jealous or disgusted or perhaps sexually excited and ready to get home to their own partner to play? It’s hard to say…

People like to say they’re open, but when push comes to shove, I don’t think most are. When I talk to my friends about sex, which is rare because most of them are too uptight about that kind of thing, a simple blow job is risqué. I could only imagine what they would think or say if I told them what I was doing in bed with Him every time we had sex. There might be a few friends that would be a little less close with me…

I think I like this movie so much because even though Patrick Bateman’s secret is that he is a cold blooded killer, the secret could be anything really. We all smile and nod at others and when someone asks how we are, we say “I’m fine” or “Doing alright”, but there are times when I’d like to say “Honestly, I’m doing terrible. I’m so horny and can’t wait to be fucked by my Master again. See this collar he bought for me? I touch it quite often throughout the day and think of him. In many ways.” But I can’t say that out loud, so I won’t. Instead I’ll come here and vent to myself or whoever else ends up reading this. 🙂

My parting gift to you:

Can’t tell if that gif will play or not, but he sure does look happy. 😉

Farewell, readers!

Tied up in decisions…

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So recently I’ve been slightly obsessed with the idea of being tied up. My Master and I have discussed it and are both interested in doing this. Being that I’m fairly new to this and needing to be discreet about it (there should be little evidence left on my person), I’ve been doing a lot of research. I’m leaning towards these that I found online:

Very basic and cheap. Satin material to hopefully have a lower risk of leaving marks. I haven’t made the purchase yet as I want to be sure I’m making a good decision. There are a couple of these sashes in a pack when ordered, so there can be a couple used as restraints and one as a blindfold possibly, which I like.

I’m mostly curious to anyone that is reading this: have you experimented with different restraints? What material were they made of? How long did you have them on for? In what position were you restrained in? I’m thinking that starting off with something more comfortable would be the best way to go and then work our way up from there. I’ve been blindfolded before and tied up a couple times, but never for any real length of time, nor with anything I couldn’t get out of. The trust is there that if I needed to be free for a safety or comfort reason, of course He would oblige. Once this purchase has been made and we have had a chance to play, I’ll certainly be reporting back!

Please don’t be shy! If you happen to stop by on this post, let me know your thoughts and/or experiences with this! 🙂

Bedtime Thoughts

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I just was talking to my Master a little while ago, before he was most likely heading to bed, and he told me I never seem to sleep. I try, but my mind is always racing with one thought or another; an engine I can’t shut off. As I lay here, I think about Him laying in bed, stripped down to his boxers, maybe even thinking of me before he drifts off to sleep. I hope he’s having sweet dreams…

Anyways, I’m currently reading a book He lent to me, Sophie’s World. It is fascinating and I’m making my way slowly through it, wanting to absorb as much as possible. I have flagged pages with things I like or have wanted to research more on. Often after reading a chapter or section, I’ll take myself on a Google adventure and try to process what I’ve been reading. On one of my recent research episodes, I came upon a quote from the Greek philosopher Thales:

The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself.

My initial reaction was ‘Yeah…duh.’ However, sitting on this quote all day, he’s right. How can you ever even really know yourself? My Master and I have also had a similar conversation when talking about our own relationship and how it’s different from each of our separate primary relationships. We both act different around our significant others than we do each other, at the very least sexually. Maybe what He and I are doing is learning about this part of ourselves that we don’t know and are just wanting to explore. Will we both always like it? Will someone grow tired of it? Would we be honest enough with each other to share these things? I don’t know about the first two, although I hope neither of us gets tired of this, but I strongly believe we would be honest with each other. This is a segue way into another thing I found today that I liked very much:

My relationship with my Master is probably the most honest one I’ve personally been in. I have no secrets with him; nothing to hide or be embarrassed about or ashamed of. It’s all on the table and I love it. I love that even though He and I still are learning about each other and ourselves, we are open and honest. He doesn’t get mad or upset when I ask what I deem to be stupid questions, or at least He doesn’t let on that He’s annoyed. We talk about boundaries, what we want to do, our future together. As the submissive here, I need that structure and reassurance that He is there for me. That he wants to be there. I want to be His choice, not something he feels as though he should settle for. I know I’m a bit too much for him sometimes and I try to make myself slow down and think, but when my impulsiveness strikes, He has a way of calming me down. I trust Him. Not just as a Master, but as a lover, partner, boyfriend and friend. At the most basic level, He’s one of my best friends. I didn’t know what I was getting into when we met, but I don’t regret it and I wouldn’t change anything if I could go back. If, because saying when kind of stings, things were to end, I’ll forever be grateful for this experience in pure honesty and communication. He is my Master and I love him.

Why be a Sub…

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Who knows? My Master has asked me this more than once, before and after we became “official” if you want to call it that. I think some of it can be explained by the simple idea of some people are leaders and some people are followers. Now, this can be different from the bedroom compared to real life, obviously. Someone could be more of a leader in their public life and enjoy being controlled in bed or vice versa. Speaking only for myself, I’m a follower in most forms.

Part of it might have been growing up in a house where I was to ask for permission for most things: to get a snack, to watch tv, to go outside, etc. Maybe that had something to do with it? I’ve always had more thoughts going on in my head than words coming out of my mouth. I’ve never liked getting in trouble and I preferred to be the quiet wheel who didn’t need any grease to keep going. I also know I’m a people pleaser. I like making others happy; going above and beyond if I can. Something about seeing someone else happy, makes me happy. I feel like I’ve accomplished something and can feel good about myself. It sounds rather selfish writing it here and now: I do nice things for others in order to feel good about myself. So perhaps I’m not as nice as I’d like to think I am…. 🙂

I’ve read on other blogs/articles/discussion boards that being submissive is actually just as powerful as being a dominant because you’re willingly giving up yourself to someone else. I’d say I agree with that. It makes sense to me. However, being the dominant I think is still a challenging role for someone because you have to be the one telling someone what to do; coming up with ideas, staying in control even if it means maybe some of your pleasure is sacrificed because you don’t get to focus solely on that like the submissive does. It’s definitely something to think about and won’t get figured out in this one post.

I’m enjoying exploring the role of being his submissive. I don’t know that a dominant role would ever really be for me. I’m very lucky that he and I have an easy and comfortable place in which we are learning together. Recently, he was at my apartment with me after running an errand together. He helped to remove my clothes while standing in the kitchen and I bent down to take my shoes off while he took his pants off. He had me suck his cock while I was down on my knees before grabbing a handful of my hair and having me crawl to bed where he fucked me hard and came inside me. I love when he pulls my hair, grabs and squeezes my neck, pinched my nipples hard. The trust I have with him is strong and simple. We communicate well and that’s why I think we work so well together. I’ve never had such an open and honest sexual relationship. I wouldn’t change anything in it. Other than we would be fucking each other every day…

More to come on this topic in the future as exploration continues! 🙂

Well, here we are…

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I had talked with my Master/dom/boyfriend/whatever about starting a blog somewhat recently, but had just been too lazy to actually get going on it. Last night while I was taking a bath, sudden inspiration struck and I found myself looking at other blogs to see what was out there and to get an idea of what I wanted to say. I still have no idea what that is exactly, so bear with me…

To provide some background for anyone reading this, I met this man online. Real original, right? He’s older than me by 17 years, which doesn’t bother me all that much. Do people ever really grow up anyways? 🙂 I didn’t anticipate our conversations really progressing longer than just a few days; more of a fun distraction than anything else. A few days after we started talking, I was fired from my job. I had told him about it and he felt bad and wanted to get together to try and make me feel better. We ended up meeting in a public place and going for a walk and just talking. I remember at one point while we were walking, he reached up and put his hand on my back and I felt this kind of tingle, probably because I knew we were doing something we shouldn’t be doing, but I digress.

Before the dark cloud of unemployment loomed over me, he and I had discussed some of our sexual interests and desires; things were both had tried, wanted to try, didn’t want to try, etc. As we were wrapping up our walk, he had his hand on the back of my neck, tangled in my hair, squeezing, pulling. As we rounded a corner to where there was a little privacy underneath a pedestrian bridge, he pulled me into kiss him, his hands hungrily pulling back on my hair and pressing his body against mine. I was excited. A little scared. Tempted by this forbidden force that was between us. I was afraid that if I had stayed much longer, I would’ve asked him to come back to my apartment with me. Just before we parted ways, we kissed once more and then, much to my surprise, he slapped my ass with unexpected force that echoed under the bridge. I was so surprised and turned on about how this slap had felt. By the time I walked myself home, I already couldn’t wait to see him again. I had no idea how to handle this, and I must confess I still don’t know how to handle it and its been almost 3 1/2 months since we have began this…relationship so to speak.

I realize this entry still doesn’t exactly touch on what this blog is officially for, but it does set up the stage for future events. I honestly haven’t given much thought to how this blog is going to be organized. I don’t know if it should tell a story, start to end, or if I just should take it one entry at a time. Maybe that’s the beauty of this whole thing: I don’t have to decide just yet. I’m not very good at making decisions anyways, which is part of the reason why I make a decent sub. I overall enjoy being told what to do and pleasing others. While he and I are not currently involved in a traditional dom/sub relationship, I thoroughly enjoy what we have and how there are many levels to us.

More to come… xoxo.